Chemicals
by indescribablyBee
Summary: Seires of oneshots based off the Armor for Sleep song "chemicals". Will include Life with Derek, Harry Potter, etc, with many pairings. No cross-overs. Everyone stays in own universe. Rated for language and mention of substance abuse. Please R & R.
1. Casey and Derek

You're dying, you know.

You remember Emily? She's a doctor now. Every time she comes over now she looks over at you and lowers the number. 8 months, 5 months, 3 months, 6 weeks if we're lucky…

She and Sam are married now, you know. They have two kids. I keep telling her we'll visit, but she knows the truth. I'm rarely in a fit state to go anywhere anymore, and you, well, you're never in a fit state.

Did you know that I used to think of you as a superhero? My own personal superhero.

That only lasted a few weeks. I discovered the truth after the funerals. That was a few years ago

Marti's loss hit you the hardest. I see how your eyes cloud over with pain if you ever even see a brother doting on their younger sister.

That's another reason we haven't gone to visit Emily and Sam. Jeremy always dotes on Eliza.

I'm looking at you over in your corner. You're lighting up again. I'm waiting for you to take three slow drags, then look up at me and offer.

I used to turn you down. Every time you offered I'd shake my head and leave the room, trying to get away from your pleading eyes. I always wondered, you know, after I left the room. I always wondered what would happen if I stayed. If I said yes, and took the homemade cigarette you offered.

It was your eyes that wore me down you know. They were pleading and sorrowful and lonely. I think the loneliness hit me the hardest. I had tried to give you your space. Instead I made you feel alienated.

I couldn't apologize to you. You probably wouldn't have understood what the apology was for, or what it meant anyway. So when you offered, I took it.

It's practically a ritual now. I'm not nearly as addicted as you. But you know how I like to control things, how anal I am about routine.

Every day I come home from a shitty day at work. I lock up the door six ways to Sunday, hang up my coat, and then come into the living room.

The meaning of that room has really made more sense to me since we got this place.

You with your cane, and broken dreams, with more pain medication than I've ever seen. That used to be how it was. Until the doctor's decided you didn't need so much morphine anymore. Until they stopped prescribing the stuff that made you forget about what you couldn't do and couldn't be anymore.

That's when the old Derek came back for a while. You went out and got a job. It wasn't much money, but it helped. You spent most of it on street stuff. But you were lucky. You never got cheated and you never got busted.

Now we have system. I pay and you share. But it's never enough for you.

I found it the other day you know. The hard stuff. The stuff that all the horror stories that people tell their kids about drugs are made from.

I had wondered where the money was going.

Emily just came over today. You didn't even see her. She says you have three days.

You don't offer me your cigarette. You only look up at me with your sad, hurt eyes.

I'm going to miss you when you die. I'm going to miss you a lot.

You don't mind sharing your sofa tonight. I think you're afraid to be alone. You know you're dying. You know that when you die, it'll kill a piece of me.

Before you went to sleep tonight, you handed me a big manila envelope. I'm afraid to open it.

But I will open it. I will. When you're dead and gone and your ashes are scattered over their graves, I'll be lonely.

We're just lying next to each other, now. Our hearts beating steadily and our breathing soft, shallow, and pained. Being asleep is so much like being dead. We're like pretending. Or at least, I'm pretending. I can never tell with you anymore.

You're very cold. But that's not new. And your heartbeat is irregular. But that's not new either. Your breathing is shallow, and you're coughing a lot. But I think that might actually be an improvement.

You're holding my hand in your sleep. An apology, I think, for leaving me.

I'll miss you, my superhero.

You're dying, you know.


	2. Ginny and Harry

I love you, you know.

It's been five years since you became a superhero to the world.

Five years since you would speak to anyone.

Five years since you moved in with me.

But I can't seem to bring myself to fall out of love with you.

Ron came over the other day. He went in to talk to you, remember?

Of course you don't. It was afternoon. You were already plastered.

He freaked out, you know. Flipped and chucked a bottle across the room. It hit the wall behind you and you started to cry. Started sobbing and choking, your body shaking violently.

Ron's sorry, you know. He came back with a bottle of Firewhiskey an hour ago. He says it's for me.

He knows that I don't drink.

You won't sleep later. And neither will I. I have to hold your hair back as you vomit up your guilt.

I wish you wouldn't drink so much.

Neville and Luna are happy, together. They got married last month. You were there for a bit of it. You even got to hand them your gift in person. I think that made their day perfect.

We don't go to weddings anymore. It hurts people to watch you disintigrate.

I got a letter from Gringotts this morning. It says "Dear Mrs. Potter" on the first line.

I'm still your wife, you know? And you still love me. I know that.

Three days ago it was my birthday. You didn't drink the whole day. I was so proud of you.

Today's your birthday. You've been through three bottles already and it's not even ten. I'm sorry.

Mum keeps sending letters, hinting at a pregnancy.

I'm not pregnant, you know.

I couldn't handle raising a child without you.

You're disintegrating in front of my very eyes. One of these days I'm going to wake up and you're just going to be gone. Not dead, just gone.

I'll miss you then. I don't know how I'll go on without you.

Do you remember the vows we made at our wedding? It was on my birthday, you should remember. I picked them out. "Never shall us part, even within death." Do you know what that means? When you disappear so will I.

It's possible that I shall last longer than you. It's possible that I won't die until you finish atoning for what you've done.

I hope you're not blamed for this. It doesn't hurt me that you're like this.

I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, you know.

You're crying again. My shirt is near soaked through with your tears. I'll have to get a new one, again. This one I'll burn later. This way you won't have to remember.

It's a good thing that you have all that money. We would have been homeless within days from your habit, if not for it.

You're apologizing again. Crying and moaning and sobbing out silent, broken apologies.

I'm sorry too.

It's been five years since anyone who knew you could call you a superhero.

Five years since you talked to anyone.

But you spoke to me tonight. Just a few minutes ago in fact. You held my hand as we lay down, and I tucked you in like I always do. You told me you loved me, and you told me you were sorry.

I'm afraid to ask why this happened.

The bottles were cleaned from the room, and your stuff was all in a neat little box. You knew just as I, that you were disintegrating.

I'm afraid to close my eyes tonight. Afraid that you'll disappear and I won't realize until it's too late. Afraid to let you slip through my fingers and fade from my eyes.

I love you, you know.


	3. Harry and Ginny

I hate you. You disgust me. You make me want to vomit.

With your stupid hair, and stupid eyes, and stupid addiction to ecstasy. I thought you hated that shit remember?

Liar. Skank.

I don't know why I'm even with you anymore.

Vile. Disgusting.

Do you remember when you promised me this was over? The war was over, and you could move on. No more cuts. No more pills. You fucking promised me that this was over!

Bitch. Whore.

I wonder how many guys you let touch you to get your fix. I know I'm not enough for you anymore. Not without the promise of a pill, or a shot.

Doesn't matter. I wouldn't want to touch you anyway.

Stupid Fucker. How could I have been so stupid! But, you promised! You remember. You…you told me that this was over.

How could I have let this get so out of control?

Horrible. Sickening.

If it weren't for the fact that I love you so much I would have left you for dead years ago.

Five years ago you promised that being with me would fix it.

The very next day I saw the cut on your wrist. Saw the glass of your eyes. Brushed off the bit of white powder still clinging to your nose.

I always wondered where you got you supplies but now I know.

Fuck, Gin, why'd it have to be him?

He's dead. You're sobbing your eyes out, cause he's dead. You never cried this hard when your brother died.

Stupid pussy. Bloody pansy.

I can't believe that you would actually take shit from him! After all that we've gone through! You and I were supposed to last! It wasn't supposed to be like this!

I hate that you can't see that I'm still standing right fucking here! So what if you're family's not talking to you? Damn it Gin. If I were them, I wouldn't talk to me!

See I just realized that I'm just as bad as fucking you. I'm an enabler. I enable you to get what you want, to get your fix.

Fuck you.

See what you did to me! See what you did!

The whole world knows you're a lying, skanky, crack-whore. They can't get enough of it, you realize.

I can barely walk down the street anymore, without getting mobbed by people telling me to fucking kick your ass out.

I'm not going to kick you out though, sweetie, don't worry. I couldn't if I wanted to.

You're crying again. And above everything else, I love you. I never wanted to see you hurt so badly. I just never knew how to stop it.

The Healers say you don't have much time anyway.

Fucking Bitch.

Look at what you've been doing to yourself! Your pansy-ass dealer laced his stuff with a curse.

Looks like you won't just be pretending to play dead anymore will you?

Stupid. Liar.

I'll cry at your funeral. I'll cry and talk about what a lovely person you were. Your family will be there. They'll cry too.

None of us will mean it. As soon as the day ends we'll hold a party. We'll take all my stuff out of this house and burn it to the ground.

We're going to forget all about you.

Isn't that what you were worried about in the first place? Everyone would forget you? You would just go down in history as the great Harry Potter's wife?

Bitch.

Good for you. You got what you fucking wanted. You're the druggie of Godric's Hollow, and you're going to have to face my parents for all the shit you put me through.

Damn it.

I'm sorry. You're crying again.

It'll all be over soon baby. Don't worry. We both know you don't have that much time left.

Vile. Horrible.

You make me want to vomit.

You disgust me.

I hate you.

Fuck.


	4. Paper and Rock

**Edit:** Please insert own characters. (I had no one specific in mind). Let me know who you see.

* * *

There are too many pictures on the far wall.

I put one up for every night you don't come home.

Pictures of me and you; from when we were happy, do you remember then?

I'm running out of room. I'm going to have to start using the hallway soon.

You laugh at the wall now. Think it's funny.

You smile and wave off my question. Never an accusation, merely a question. "Where have you been?" Nothing.

Make a beeline straight for that wall and find a nice, shiny, new picture on the wall. Joke about the cost of frames these days.

I hope you're happy.

My mother won't come into our house anymore. _She_ understands about the wall. Bursts into tears every time she sees it and bemoans the day I met you.

Every so often I'm inclined to agree.

If this were a year ago, I'd be angry. If this were a year ago I would have left you when it started.

Why her?

I used to be upset that I couldn't have kids. Now I'm more thankful than I can possibly convey. Would you have left them too?

If this were before, I never would have considered that.

The accident changed everything. Suddenly your pretty little hospice nurse was more appealing than your wife.

Don't try and hide it, I see you.

I know you.

And that's why I can't even hate you.

Do you remember your promise?

No. I didn't think so.

You're late, again.

The electricity is out again too. Your money is only good to them if they actually get it, you know.

The candles are burning down too. All over the room, and one day I'm going to die in the blaze that is this house, when I'm tired and knock over a candle.

If you ever came home, I'd believe you'd save me.

If you ever came home, well, I wouldn't be thinking this would I?

There are all these eerie shadows about the room. If I squint just right I can pretend you're one of them.

There are too many pictures on the far wall.

And tomorrow, there'll be one more.


End file.
